Yes. It’s a bit depressing. My last, plastic wrapped, hand delivered Vogue magazine arrived today. It hinted at what the fall fashions would be, but left me there, hanging, telling me that there would be no more…unless…
Yes, unless I jumped right back on the Vogue bandwagon and got the super, duper deal they were giving me.
But it isn’t just about the Vogue magazine. Because this is kind of an art blog. Because this is kind of a creativity blog. Because my life isn’t just purely about going into shopping malls, boutique stores, second-hand store fronts, and purchasing these beauties that adorn my body.
My life is filled with many things. And because it is, I am finding myself that perhaps there are too many things in it. There’s a quote I can’t fully remember about for everything there being a place and for a place something that purposely fit that place (if you know the correct quote, please share…the phrasing is driving me crazy). And right now too many things don’t seem to have a place, or at least the correct place, in my life.
I find myself in the middle. The middle of the year. The middle of a life (wow…I am actually just 2 years away from the middle). The middle of a job. The middle of a creative expressive journey. And because these are all middles, I am finding myself just twirling around in this giant circle, with all the spokes going off in different directions. I had made a comment a couple of weeks ago, to hubby, about how I felt I had all these balls up in the air, and while none had dropped to the ground, none had really fallen back into my hand either.
That’s what it feels like, this middle. It feels like I have willingly grabbed all of these juggling balls and thrown them all up into the air at once, and by a certain miracle none have crashed…but they are all still just sitting in mid-air, not going anywhere. And that is rather stunning, to me (and a visual treat to my artist’s eye).
I am in no way worried about them falling. Not because I am certain that they won’t. They will, it’s their nature. And I’m not worried that I won’t rush after the ones that start to fall, to catch them, to prevent them from humiliating me by crashing.
What I am experiencing is dazed confusion. Years before, this feeling would have been different. There would have been feelings of being stuck having to keep all the balls up in the air. I am over that. But I’ve never been just awed by confusion, knowing that I am in the correct realm of my life, of my path, but not quite sure what to do next.
Perhaps then, I should listen to my inner voice, the one that I happened to have heard last week as I jogged on the beach. When I run, I have a habit of picking out items that lay ahead of me and use them as markers: I will run until I get to that stick. It comes especially handy when I haven’t run in a while and need to start slow. But last week, as I was running I felt good, so once I came upon the stick and wanted to keep running, I needed to shift my eye forward and find another marker, fast, and make an agreement with myself to run to that rock, that seaweed, that wood, that fisherman, etc. etc. And as I continued to do that, I suddenly realized that after the that first stick, which I knew and which I had seen properly and had logically timed I could reach, every other goal/distance was a crapshoot. I was running faster than I could see, so my markers has to be found quickly. And even while I was trying to spot them, I wasn’t 100% sure if I would be able to reach them.
What my inner voice told me was that the first goal had been easy. It had been visualized, it had been planned and strategized. I had run with a certain amount of speed to reach it, taking into account my stamina and strength. Yet once I reached that plateau, I was in unchartered territory and every goal after that was part of landscape I didn’t really know nor had I visualized. Yet I was okay in running, comfortable with it. I knew that I could do this, that there was joy in it, that there was strength and glory in it too.
It is the same with my creative journey. My job, my art, this blog, my life, are all now parts of a landscape that I am unfamiliar with. Yet I have made it past the first goal: I have drawn, I have started this blog, I have shared my creativity with the world and tried to encourage others to find their own path to creativity.
I may be dazed in confusion within this circle, unsure as to whether it really is worthwhile to renew the Vogue subscription. But I am in the right circle, so I’ll make sure to keep spinning within it.